In an earlier article I spoke about how to tell if a man is in love with you; in this one, I am taking you in the exact opposite direction. So, we will talk about the signs that he longer loves you.
Now, save for those who have been in such a situation themselves, everybody else would argue that love is complicated hence it may be hard to spot its myriad signs. But the state of “not being in love” is easy and straight forward, so how could any woman out there not see this one coming?
Actually, a lot of women continue to kick themselves for years after the demise of their relationship with this very question.
Here is a simple explanation that will clear the confusion, ambiguity and misunderstanding – We not only let our intrinsic definitions, values and reactions dictate our understanding of the world and others, but also we allow our hopes to influence what we see and what we understand.
For a lot of ladies, the hope that there may still be a tiny flickering flame in those dying embers of love is what keeps them hooked.
Is it wrong to feel this way? Hell no! It’s called being human.
But, here is the problem – You are doing yourself great disservice by keeping yourself rooted into a relationship that your partner is no longer interested in.
So, if you are confused about your man’s feelings for you, continue reading to get clarity on what’s really going on.
Behavioural/Psychological Signs He Is No Longer Interested In You!
1. He lacks respect:
In any relationship/interaction, respect is the hallmark of the desire to be a part of the association. So, if your man has started to lose respect for you and the relationship, it is a clear sign that he wants out.
Although Aretha Franklin crooned, “All I’m askin’ is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit)”, that is not what you should be asking for.
If it is not forthcoming without any prompts from you, it is time to head to the door because rest assured that things are just going to go downhill from that point onward. Unfortunately, most women hang around long after respect has left the building.
This reaction isn’t owed to the lack of self-respect or self-esteem. The bulk of the blame for this one goes to the fact that “lack of respect” can often be an ambiguous sign to read for someone who is in the relationship.
What you need to understand is that the paucity of respect does not always come across as bad mouthing or the use of inappropriate language. It can manifest itself in more subtle and confusing forms.
For instance, he may stop apologizing for his misdoings or he may cross relationship boundaries, without bothering to think about how his transgressions impact the relationship and you. Another subtle sign is a man who no longer respects the time and the priorities of his partner or undermines the contributions, the hard work, the achievements and the dreams of a woman.
2. He could not care less about you:
The lack of concern, or abject apathy as we know it, is among the triad of tell-tale signs that signal the demise of a relationship. Like respect, this one two is rooted deeply in brain chemistry and comes about from a complex interaction of neuromodulators, hormones and brain regions.
When a man falls in love, high testosterone and dopamine levels drive his desire to protect you and provide for you. But as the flame of love begins to flicker out, the levels of these chemicals begin to plunge.
So, while at the start of the relationship, your love is his drug, when he falls out of love he is completely rehabilitated of that addiction, so to speak. Hence, he just does not care anymore; pretty much like a smoker stops caring about his stash once he completely weans himself off the addiction.
3. He does not trust you anymore:
This is the last of three pillars that are integral to the survival of a human relationship. Unfortunately, like the other two, this one two can be hard to spot unless it is served to you in generous doses.
The big problem with this one is the flawed understanding that women have of trust and jealousy in a romantic relationship. The lack of jealousy does not translate to trust nor is jealousy bad per se.
I know many of you would probably cite the very disturbed and dangerously jealous husband from “Sleeping with the enemy”, to malign the emotion.
But, here is the thing, within reason jealousy can actually be a sign of deep interest. Let me explain this with the help of an example. Suppose you have a flowering bush in your front yard that you really love and care for. Wouldn’t it bother you if somebody were to pluck the blooms off the shrub?
Now consider another flowering plant in the same place that for whatever reason does not appeal to you. Would you have the same reaction if somebody were to pluck the blooms of this plant?
Probably not. Males of all species have the primal programming to protect their mate from other males.
So, if your man does not bat an eyelid when you are surrounded by prospective competition, you may want to start analysing other aspects of his behaviour that may point to a loss of interest in you and the relationship.
I am sure by now you are wondering – then, what exactly does lack of trust mean if not jealousy?
A man who has fallen out of love will not display jealousy because he does not care if you start seeing someone else. Yet, when it comes to simple things, he will display absolute lack of both trust and regard.
For instance, he asks you to do something for him and you cannot oblige because you honestly have your plate overflowing with chores on that day. Instead of trusting your version of the story, he will either say it out loud that he does not trust you or he will send out a clear message that he does not buy what you are saying.
These behavioural changes are red flags because they can be traced to the play of both testosterone and dopamine. He is not concerned about your association with other men because he no longer sees you as his mate, in other words, there is no testosterone-response to you or the relationship. The lack of trust means that the euphoria induced by dopamine is on the wane and the amygdala is awakening from its stupor of love, which is causing heightened suspicion and scepticism.
4. He no longer feels a connection with you:
The feeling of being connected with you and the urge to improve the bond comes courtesy of oxytocin in a romantic relationship. If that connection is no longer there, you can blame it on the dwindling levels of the famed love hormone.
Although both vasopressin and oxytocin get released in response to physical intimacy, as the reward centres of the brain stop responding to a love interest, the secretion of oxytocin and vasopressin start to dip, even after intimacy. At one point, the levels are simply not enough to provide the positivity and excitement needed to sustain a relationship.
5. He does not see you in a positive light anymore:
If his view of you has changed significantly, this is another sign of plunging dopamine levels and a rise in serotonin levels. Plus, this also indicates that the amygdala is back in business.
So, every little flaw or quirk which seemed so cute owing to the effect of dopamine is now analysed and viewed for what it really is. In fact, as love fades, the levels of dopamine not only go to their pre-love levels but actually dip below them. At the same time, the level of serotonin reaches new highs.
Together, the combination of this hormonal effect leads to increased fear, anxiety, suspicion and scepticism. Because all of these are negative emotions, the more the brain experiences these, the more it shuns the stimulus that led to them. In this case, you are that stimulus. Simply put, this is the point at which the relationship starts to drown in its own life blood.
Now that you know what happens in the noggin as it falls out of love, it will be easy to understand the non-verbal signs and the actions that accompany or occur in response to the underlying chemistry.
11 Signs He No Longer Loves You – The Accurate Nonverbal Cues!
1. He does not want some:
I am not going to harp on the ancient wisdom that men tend to think with the brain south of the waist. But, the fact is that sex is a huge part of a man’s life and it certainly figures in his definition of a good life. So, if he turns away the opportunity for a roll in the hay, something is indeed very wrong. If mechanical malfunction is not the reason for this unusual behaviour, then think of this one as a blaring signal of trouble in paradise.
2. He has nothing but sex on his mind:
This is rare in well-established relationships; nonetheless if you see this sign, it is cause for concern. If you are no more than a booty call for him, love has left the building aeons ago, and you should follow in its footsteps.
3. No eye contact:
Unless he is hiding something from you, the lack of eye contact indicates nothing other than the lack of interest.
4. You certainly don’t have his attention:
No matter what the topic of the conversation, he seems to forever be distracted when around you. In other words, if he finds the buttons and apps on his phone, his watch, the TV or even the crack on the wall more interesting than you, it is time to step back and take a good look at where the relationship is headed.
5. The sight of you is just not exciting enough anymore:
If he often looks at his watch when he is with you or displays distinct signs of being bored like yawning, giving one word answers, shifting in his seat, fidgeting or looking at anyone else or anywhere else but at you, it is time to ask him what’s going on.
6. He wants to put some space between him and you:
This is a very distinctive subconscious sign of a person drifting away from you. If he inevitably ends up standing or sitting away from you without even making a conscious effort to do so, this is a sign of his inner desire to get away from you.
7. He avoids touching you or does not want to touch you:
This sign is in stark contrast with the behaviour that a man in love displays. While a man in love will find it hard to keep his hands off of his lady love, one who is falling out of love will treat her like a hot pan. He will try really hard to not touch her, and he will try just as hard to not be touched by her.
8. His feet are always pointed away from you:
Like the need to put some space between himself and his wife/girlfriend/partner, this is another fairly reliable subconscious sign that men display when they are no longer in love. If you often find his feet pointed away from you, it simply means that even when he is consciously and physically involved in other acts, his subconscious is none too happy about the idea of being with you/around you.
9. He makes no effort to impress you or to make you feel special:
I know a lot of ladies may argue that this is bound to happen as a couple gets older. Undoubtedly, some degree of complacence does set in over time. But the thing is that we are not talking about a dozen roses or an ode to love written in your honor, here.
In fact, I am not talking about special occasions or extraordinary acts at all. This is about every day, regular behaviour. If he is treating you like one of the guys in the gym or if he display little regard for your comfort/discomfort and your likes/dislikes and if he goes out of his way to gross you out, all he can do beyond that point is skywrite the word “adieu”.
10. His body language is always closed when he is talking to you:
Arms folded across the chests, legs crossed, hands clasped behind the back when standing, hands on hips when standing, tapping fingers or fidgeting when talking, all of these are signs of negative emotions. So, even if they don’t immediately scream “Trouble”, they do indicate that trouble is on the horizon.
10. He never gives any indication in public of the two of you being together:
He does not want to hold your hand nor does he put his arm around your waist. In fact, he makes a diligent effort to not do anything that would send out the message of the two of you being a couple. In fact, when you reach out for him, he inadvertently moves back or pries his hand free from yours. This, again, is a tell-tale sign of trouble.
Signs That A Man No Longer Loves You – His Actions Will Say It All!
- He will no longer want to hang out with your family and friends.
- He will try hard to keep you away from his inner circle, so you won’t be asked to accompany him to important family events or even to a night out with his friends.
- He won’t bother to call, text, and message you, unless you initiate contact.
- He spends a lot of time away from you; in fact he may even go AWOL for days on end.
- He suddenly loses the chivalrous streak that he once had around you.
- He blames you for everything that is wrong in his world and the world at large, no matter how small or big the problem.
- The only expression he has plastered on his face when you are anywhere near him is a FROWN.
- He starts to discuss you and your relationship troubles with others.
- He openly criticizes you to your face and also behind your back with little concern for how you’d feel/react when and if his nasty words reach your ears.
- He looks at other women or even flirts with them in your presence.
- He is not at all troubled by the idea or even the reality of you flirting with other men.
- His appearance is beginning to get sloppier by the day.
- Everything under the sun has greater priority than you. In fact, you don’t make it to his list of priorities all together.
- You can do no right in his eyes, no matter how hard you try. In fact, you can no longer look as pretty as you once did, dress up as well as you did, cook as well as you did or do anything that you once were an expert of, well enough anymore.
- He gets very hurtful in a fight. He deliberately digs up traumatic events from your life to cause you pain.
- His aggression levels get scary when you are having a tiff. (No, he does not have to give you a black eye or bruises all over for you to justify fear. In fact even if he does not raise his voice too much but if you feel his behaviour in a fight has crossed your definition of acceptable and tolerable behaviour and if this is as new development, it is time to seriously reconsider the relationship).
- He is just not interested in talking to you or in listening to what you have to say.
- All the “We” sentences suddenly get transformed into “I” statements.
- You no longer figure in his dreams and talks about his future.
- He is no longer interested in your future.
- He does not want to have anything to do with your troubles, be they personal or professional.
- He plays truant every chance he gets, even if the outing/activity in question is one that he enjoys immensely.
- Let alone protecting you or helping you out, he could not care less about your wellbeing nor does he lift a finger to help you out with what once used to be shared chores.
- It seems like he is putting in a profound effort to forget every person, occasion or thing that matters to you.
- He starts lying to you, what he lies about does not matter, the fact that he does/did is something to be pondered over.
- He makes no attempt to support your dreams and goals. If anything, he is disparaging and discouraging of your efforts and your aspirations.
- He does not want to talk to you, even if it is simply general chitchat, he is just not interested.
- You could walk around in your most convincing Jessica Rabbit costume from Halloween, and he still would not notice you. OK, that is an exaggeration, but I am sure you get my point.
- He is always angry, frustrated or in a bad move when he is with you. Things may even get to a point where he starts lashing out at you and even at people who you care for.
- And last but not the least; in fact, nothing beats this one- He tells you straight up that he does not want to be with you or he does not see you in his future or gives you any version thereof.
Is The End Always The End, And Never The Beginning?
No, I am not asking you to call it quits the minute your done reading this article. However, the information in here will give you an insight into his mind. And if you do see the signs that he is no longer in love with you or is no longer interested in your relationship, at the least it is time to have a heart to heart and decide on the next course.
I maintain that the worst thing a woman can do to herself is to hold on to a dying or dead relationship in the hopes that if she tries really hard or loves unconditionally he may come around one day.
Ladies, I am sorry to be blunt here- But that’s like holding on to a corpse. Doing so is not going to bring the dead to life. At some point, the rot will set in and you will be left clutching the stinky remains of what once used to be alive and amazing, and that will make you very sick.
So, don’t make brash moves or rush into a decision, but start looking closely and above all objectively at everything that is unfolding right in front of your eyes and around you.